How NOT To Date A Hobosexual🚫
'Tis the season. It's starting to look a lot like craziness!
Summer is officially over this weekend. Sunday September 22 at 8:43 am EST, will be the first day of the Autumn Equinox.
It's also that time of year when sleeping outside in a beautiful park or on the beach is no longer viable, sexy, or on-the-fly passionate. Plus, the temps are dropping, it’s getting colder and we all wanna light a fire, cuddle up with someone special, and roam romantically through pumpkin patches. Cue the cute hobosexual. He's a rolling stone of sexual prowess. Rolling from townhomes to condos and apartments to single-family homes in search of a snuggle-deprived, lonely, and SINGLE somebody.
In the words of Beyonce: all the single ladies...look out for these 10 warning signs!
*This article first appeared in the Nov/Dec. 2021 issue of Ms. Heel Magazine. Some edits have been made*
Warning Sign #1: you meet at a 2-4-1 drink spot on a Friday night happy hour. He asks if you're single, single. What? He's making sure you don't live with anyone.
Warning Sign #2: He blows up your phone with marathon phone calls & text messages all weekend. On Monday he suggests dinner. But not at a restaurant—he wants romance and offers to cook AT YOUR PLACE.
Warning Sign #3: He comes over and cooks the decent-flavored spaghetti dish he's perfected over the years. But his skills in the bedroom later are completely indecent & leave you wanting more, which he obliges in the morning—because you let him spend the night. He hints at marriage over morning coffee.
Warning Sign #4: On Wednesday, he’s still at your place...he moves in on Friday.
Warning Sign #5: The Slumber Games begin. The sex is truly the best you've ever had—he does EVERYTHING! He seems to truly get you. You think you have found the love of your life.
Warning Sign #6: Four weeks later, you notice budget changes…lots more dinners out and Door Dash orders (that you pay for because he's in between jobs), your grocery bill is up and your utilities are increasing…you’re experiencing your own private inflated economy. Nine weeks have now passed; you wanna ask him to help but he's out of work and you don't wanna be mean. Besides, he just texted you at job #2 (your new three-days-a-week side hustle) that he loves you.💘
Warning Sign #7: You start to wonder—what did I just sign up for? You literally give him an allowance for weed & booze. You realize sex is his only contribution. Every time you want to discuss this situationship, somehow you end up having sex...and multiple orgasms!